On My Own

Okay, so if you didn't love Les Miserables, then you're stupid and I probably don't like you. Everyone can relate to something in that song. My song? On My Own. Eponine is singing about Marius. One of the parts that made me cry my eyes out during the movie.

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him

But when the night is over

He is gone

The river's just a river

Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life

I've only been pretending

Without me

His world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own

Rewriting and Writing Again

How many times can I start a post and not publish it? I mean really. If you were to look at my drafts, you'd see how indecisive I am. 

I just don't know what to say anymore. School is school. I avoid it at all costs. Friends are friends. They come and they go in waves. Work is work. And NOBODY likes work. It's just life. 

Sometimes I just sit and think. And if you're a teenage girl, you know what that means. Coming up with any crazy situation possible and just letting your mind run wild. Last night was one of those nights. Thank goodness for a bff who listens to me complain and cry. 

I'm so ready to grow up. This place is not for me. It has never been for me. I take every opportunity I can to get out of this little town. Seeing the same faces in the same places becomes a pain now. I want new and exciting. This is why graduation needs to come, NOW. 99 days. But again... who's counting? Not this girl...

April. The glorious month. I can start my papers then, and I couldn't be anymore excited. I am probably the last person you would expect to be going on a mission. But it's where I need to be. I've never been so sure about something. When I think about my plans to go and serve, I know it's the right decision. I think that's why I had such a hard time deciding on a school and a major for college. Nothing seemed to fit. But this? A mission? I know it's what I need to be doing for the next while. 

To whom this may concern:
            I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed in your life, even if you were what I needed. I hope and pray we work things out. No one else comes close to meaning as much as you do. I still love you. Probably always will. And the part that kills me? You don't even notice anymore. It seems like you're doing great. If you needed anything, I'd be there for you. I just wish you knew that.

99 days. 99 days and I am done with high school, stupid people, held-up feelings, and everything in between. I'm so ready.

109 Days

 My life has turned into a countdown.
Imagine Dragons concert - 32 days
Spring Break - 42 days
The Great Gatsby - 81 days
And last but not least... Graduation. 109 days away.

I don't think anyone understands just how excited I am to finally graduate. High school is not the place for me. I'm pretty sure I have had senioritis since the second week of sophomore year. Honestly? My senior year has been the best of the last three. I've had better friends, made decisions for myself, and grown up a lot. I don't think I was expecting my high school experience to be anything like it was. I had always imagined my friends and I starting and finishing together. Me being captain of the soccer team, dating a super cute guy who would be getting ready to go on his mission while I was getting ready to go off to college with my soccer girls. I look back and just laugh at my old expectations. Now? I'm no longer friends with any of that group, I don't play soccer, I'm working to save money for my mission in the fall. Does it sound like the same plan to you? Because I'm pretty sure it's a complete 180.

I'm just ready to grow up. Everyone always says cherish your teenage years while you can. Be young, have fun. And I am! I'm definitely not ready to be married and have kids. There is time for that. I'm just ready to finally be out on my own. I'm tired of being home. My parents and I butt heads when it comes to even the simplest decisions. I think they are finally realizing that I'm 18 and will be moving out in a few months. I don't think they are ready for that. I'm just ready to get out of here. Out of my house, Syracuse, this same day-by-day routine I'm in.