My Biggest Fear

Honestly, think about it for a minute. What are you most afraid of? Is it snakes? Heights? What is it?

I'm terrified of being alone. That's the only thing that I am so scared of that it will bring me to tears. And no, not "alone" as in just being in a room by yourself. I mean feeling alone. Like there is no one who understands you, who wants to be with you, who cares.

This has been weighing on me a lot lately. Don't ask me why, I have friends who love me, a family that cares about me, a Savior who gave his life for me. I just feel alone.

I have major trust issues. I trust someone so fast, and the second something goes awry, I freak out and can't even handle it. This has led to a speedy increase in my anxiety attacks. I hate it. I hate not being able to just be "chill" and "calm" and "go with the flow" like everyone else.

I know why I have these issues. I've gone to therapy because of it. I don't blame the person that really got the ball rolling on this whole thing. It's not their fault that I'm a crazy basketcase now. That's how I feel half of the time. That I'm this crazy-clingy teenage freak who finds every little thing to worry about. I probably drive people insane. I know why I am the way I am. I had stuff happen that I wish never would have. And I wish it was easy for me to explain to people why I am this way. But I can't. And no one understands it.

I've turned into one of those people that gives out's. I always give people a reason to leave. I know I get annoying, bothersome, and probably psycho, but I just don't want people to feel obligated to stay by me. I will ask if I'm getting on someone's nerve. If I am, I step aside. Give them a break. I don't want to be a nuisance. Maybe this is why I have such an issue with being alone.. I give people reasons to leave, just hoping that they will find a reason to stay by me. And as history shows, people always leave. I mean, look at Josh. 14 months have gone by, and he's gone. I don't think he'll ever come back. I am in the middle of losing my soccer friends. They don't talk to me at all anymore unless I call. We were supposed to be the "Fab Four" for so many years to come. Since I retired from playing, I see less and less of them every month. Aren't they supposed to stick by my side? I'm the black sheep of my family. The odd one out. I have different views and opinions than them. They distance themselves from me.

I just wish I knew what to do. I'm terrified that I will end up alone in the long run. That I won't get married. Because, let's be honest. Who wants a short girl who isn't the prettiest, smartest, funniest, skinniest thing they've ever known? I'm plain. I'm boring. I'm crazy! No one wants that. And yes, I understand that I'm only 18 and that I have a lifetime to live and find love. I'm not saying I want to get married now. I'm just saying, if I was a guy, I wouldn't date me. I look at my adorable friends who go one dates, and talk to boys, and always have a knew guy fawning over them. Then there is me. Third-wheelin' it, it feels like.

All in all, I hate to be alone. But it's the constant feeling I have every day. Sure, I'm with people, but no one gets it. No one understands what has happened in my past. I wish I could just sit and let it all out. Tell a complete stranger who doesn't know me, what my problems were, are, and is. As much as people say the get it, they don't. I just wish someone would look me in the eye and tell me I'm not crazy. I feel like I really am losing it, and I wish I knew how to fix it.