Getting It Out

I don’t know. I just need to get it off my chest. I love my friends. I really do. They have been so great this year. But I hate myself because of my friends. They are gorgeous. They are funny, smart, skinny, happy, amazing people. I’m none of that. I can’t compare to them. Of course, being a teenager, we care about what other people think of us. I don’t like myself, so why would anyone else like me? I know I’m not the prettiest girl. That’s a fact. But I don’t feel pretty. Ever. I never am dressed up enough, or my hair isn’t straight and long enough, or my makeup is to simple. It’s never good enough. 

I don’t feel smart. Every single one of my friends is a genius. They just understand school. It’s easy for them. I don’t. I struggle. I’m not a bad student; I’m just not a good enough student. That’s why I don’t ever go to school anymore. I get my assignments done and get good grades at the end. But I’m taking simple classes compared to everyone else. I feel stupid when everyone else is talking about the things they are learning about or going into. I feel like my friends make an effort to let me know that they are smarter. I get it. And I'm proud of them. I'm just not smart enough to keep up.

 All my friends are spiritual. They are all huge examples to me. But I don’t feel like I am anything close to that. I don’t have the same feelings they do, or they understand the gospel better, and they have a better love for it. They all grew up in families where the church was taught. I’m having to teach myself and be an example to a family that doesn’t even go to church anymore. It is the hardest thing to get up and go alone every single week. My friends don’t know what that’s like. I have different views on things. I'm scared to voice them because half of the time, they aren't the same as everyone else and I am alone with where I stand. 

 I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others. God intended it for me to be who I am. I just hate who I am half of the time. I miss who I was, I don’t like who I am.

I just don’t feel like I fit in with my friends. They are all so similar. Same backgrounds, same interests, same everything. I feel like I'm the odd one out every single time. I love them. I really do. I just wish I was good enough for them. Sometimes I feel like I am there for them, all day, every day. And they say they are there for me. But I don’t see it. They care. But it’s not the same.  There is one person who I could always talk to about this stuff. But since he left, I’m alone with my thoughts. And I hate to even bring him up. I’m scared to say his name in front of my friends anymore. They all keep telling me to get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. Nobody knows how much this kid affected my life. He saved me when I was in my worst days. He made me who I am. I miss him more every day. Yeah, I’m slowly trying to get over it and move on. But it isn’t easy. When my girlfriends lose a guy, I try to be there for them. Help them on the way. Maybe I suck at it, but I’m trying my hardest. I just don’t feel like anyone understands where I’m coming from. I mean…this kid and I have known each other since we were 8. That’s ten years. It’s a long time. How do you go from being best friends to nothing in a matter of months? No one gets it. No one understands how much it hurts. I just have to bottle it up. Do I still cry over it? You better believe it. Every time I see that stupid flower, or our picture, I ball like a baby. I just can’t bring myself to give it up. Admit that it’s really over between us and it won’t ever happen again. No one really gets it.

Do you ever feel like you do so much for everyone, but get nothing in return? You drop anything you’re doing just to go help them, or show them you care, or go do service? I feel like I do that for my friends. But I never get anything in return. And I understand that I shouldn’t be expecting something in return to my actions. I just feel unnoticed. Unrecognized. Like maybe..it isn’t a big deal that I do some of these things. I want to stop. Just to see if people notice. But that isn’t me. I can’t just stop being there for someone, or doing something to make their day a little bit better.

Sometimes, I really wonder if people would even notice if I was gone. If I was to just pack up and go away without so much as a goodbye, I feel like people would be fine with it. They would get over it in two seconds, and be on to the next thing. I don't feel like I'm making an impact on anyone's life. I'm sorry if I'm not. I'm trying my hardest.. it's just not good enough.

I don’t want sympathy. I just want someone to come in my life and tell me that I’m going to be okay. I want someone to like me for who I am. I want them to help me like who I am. I don't want the same old words being thrown around. I want someone who cares to just hug me and say I'm going to make it through and I'm going to be alright. That I AM good enough and that I am trying my hardest. I don't know what else to do. I'm getting pretty good at making that fake smile everywhere I go. I'm just tired of it.