Just a Few Pictures. More To Come

I haven't posted pictures in forever... So that's my focus for the next few days!

Well.. this is one of my best friends. His name is Jaden Ralphs, and he is basically a stud. He sings, plays soccer, and our parents are basically best friends. We've known each other for years, and our parents have known each other since before we were born. We are about 6 days apart in age. We went out a few weekends ago on a date. SO FUN. We made breakfast, went ice skating, and got ice cream. I don't know where I would be without this kid. Even when we haven't seen each other for weeks, he still calls just to check in with me. He's the best!

Keller chose this filter..so don't judge my crazy eyes. This is my 7 year old little brother. And no.. he's not really my brother. But I've known him since before he was born, and I baby sit him all the time. I think I count as a big sister. He speaks Chinese. He's pretty dang cool and he will be a heartbreaker in high school.

We went to St. George over Spring Break. Emily, Jaycee, Maggie, and I. On Tuesday morning, we went and did baptisms in the St. George temple. One of the coolest experiences! I absolutely loved it! Waking up at the crack of dawn to go was so worth it!

We drove through Arizona and Nevada just for fun.. Bear Paw for breakfast. Red Robin for dinner. Temple trip. Meeting friends on the freeway. We did EVERYTHING you could do in St. George. It was honestly one of the best spring breaks I've ever had. I love my friends. We all needed a weekend like this to just unwind. I couldn't have asked for a better senior spring break!

O4L

Outlaws for Life

I love my soccer sisters. Britt and Syd have signed to go and play in Nebraska. I'm so jealous. I would give anything to still be playing. I am so so proud of them, though! I love my sisters. We've been through way to much to ever leave each other. I'm grateful to have grown up with these girls.

(Syd, Kates, Britt, Me)

If you know Em and I, you know we are totally content with sitting in sweats, with our hair pulled up, no make up on, on a Saturday night. Sometimes we like to get ready, though! Ladies night while the boys were all at priesthood session. Grateful for my best friend. Not gonna lie, we are adorable. So boys... we are single. *hint hint*

Flashback to when my cousin and soccer girls were on TV for the USWNT soccer practice last summer. Meeting Abby Wambach, Megan Rapinoe, Heather O'Reily, and all of the team was one of the best days of my life. Honestly . I love the USWNT so much, it's ridiculous.

Missionary Poem

A friend of mine shared this today in seminary. You can find the original here!

The alarm rings at 6:30; I stumble to my feet

I grab my companion's bedding and pull off his sheet.

A groan fills the room; is it already time to rise?

It seems like just a second ago I was able to shut my eyes.

The morning activities follow...study, prayer, and such.

When it's time to leave the apartment, you feel you haven't accomplished much.

"We have a super day planned," my comp. says with a grin.

I lowly utter a faithless breath, "Yea, if anyone lets us in."

With the word of God and my faithful Schwinn, we ride off in the street

Prepared to face another day of humidity and heat.

It's 9:30 in the evening, the day almost through;

My companion and I are riding home, not accomplishing what we thought to do.

We ride up to the mailbox, hoping to receive a lot.

Only to look inside and hear my echo reverberate, "air box"..

We go up into our apartment, the day is now complete,

The only thing to show for our work is a case of blistered feet.

It's past 10:30pm, my companion's fast asleep

Silence engulfs me all about and I begin to weep.

In the midst of all the sadness I kneel down to pray;

I need to talk to Father, but I'm not sure what to say.

"Oh Father," I begin, "What happened to us today?

I thought we'd teach somebody, but everyone was away.

My hands, my aching hands--worn, hurt and beat;

If only our area was any smaller, we'd knock down every street."

"Why on missions are the days so much alike?

The only difference about today was the flat tire on my bike.

Will you send me some cooler weather? The heat is killing me.

I sweat so bad, it gets in my eyes, it's very hard to see."

"Why do I have to wear a helmet, isn't your protection enough?

People always laugh at me and call me stupid stuff.

Please send us investigators so I may give them what they lack;

I want to give them Books of Mormon, the weight of them hurts my back."

"And what about my family? They don't have much to say,

I'm sick of not hearing from home, day after day after day.

Oh Father, why am I here, am I just wasting time?

Sometimes I just want to go home, I'm sorry but that's on my mind."

"My companion, Heavenly Father, what are you giving me?

The way he rides his bike, I don't think he can see

Now you have it, I can't go on, I don't know what to do;

That, my Father in Heaven, is the prayer I have for you."

My prayer now finished I stand up, then jump into bed.

I need my rest for tomorrow; we have another long day ahead.

Sleep starts to overtake me, I seem to drift away,

Then it seems a vision takes me to another time and another day.

I'm standing alone on the hill, the view is very nice;

A man walks toward me and says, "My name is Jesus Christ."

Tears of joy well up inside, I fall down to his feet,

"Arise," he states, "Follow me to the shade--you and I need to speak."

My attention's toward the Savior, total and complete. He says,

"Your mission is similar of what happened to me

I understand how you feel, I know what you're going through;

In fact, it would be fair to say I've felt the same as you."

"I even know how you felt when no one listened to you.

At times I felt not quite sure what else I could do.

I know you don't like to ride a bicycle, for you a car would be sweet;

"I understand you don't like sweating, in fact it's something you hate;

I remember when I sweat blood from every pore, oh the agony was great!

I see you don't like your companion--you'd rather have someone else--

I once had a companion named Judas who sold my life for wealth."

"It's hard to wear a helmet and have people make fun of you.

I remember when they put thorns on my head and called me King of the Jews.

So you feel burdened down by the weight of your pack.

I recall how heavy the cross was when they slammed it on my back."

"Your hands hurt from tracting and knocking on doors all day.

I guess when they pounded nails in mine, they ached in a similar way.

It's hard not to hear from home when your family's not there to see;

I lost communication on the cross and cried, "Father, why hast thou forsaken me?"

We have a lot in common, but there's a difference between us you see,

I endured to the end and finished my mission, so follow and do like me."

He embraced me with his arms, His light filled me with His love,

With tears in my eyes, I watched as He went back to the Father above.

I stood in awe and wonder when a beep rang in my head,

I listened and heard the alarm, then realized I was in my bed.

My companion let out a groan, "6:30 already, no way!"

I sat up and said, "Come on, I'll even carry your scriptures today!"

No matter what we go through, when we feel we can't take more,

Just stop to think about Jesus Christ, He's been there before.

My Biggest Fear

Honestly, think about it for a minute. What are you most afraid of? Is it snakes? Heights? What is it?

I'm terrified of being alone. That's the only thing that I am so scared of that it will bring me to tears. And no, not "alone" as in just being in a room by yourself. I mean feeling alone. Like there is no one who understands you, who wants to be with you, who cares.

This has been weighing on me a lot lately. Don't ask me why, I have friends who love me, a family that cares about me, a Savior who gave his life for me. I just feel alone.

I have major trust issues. I trust someone so fast, and the second something goes awry, I freak out and can't even handle it. This has led to a speedy increase in my anxiety attacks. I hate it. I hate not being able to just be "chill" and "calm" and "go with the flow" like everyone else.

I know why I have these issues. I've gone to therapy because of it. I don't blame the person that really got the ball rolling on this whole thing. It's not their fault that I'm a crazy basketcase now. That's how I feel half of the time. That I'm this crazy-clingy teenage freak who finds every little thing to worry about. I probably drive people insane. I know why I am the way I am. I had stuff happen that I wish never would have. And I wish it was easy for me to explain to people why I am this way. But I can't. And no one understands it.

I've turned into one of those people that gives out's. I always give people a reason to leave. I know I get annoying, bothersome, and probably psycho, but I just don't want people to feel obligated to stay by me. I will ask if I'm getting on someone's nerve. If I am, I step aside. Give them a break. I don't want to be a nuisance. Maybe this is why I have such an issue with being alone.. I give people reasons to leave, just hoping that they will find a reason to stay by me. And as history shows, people always leave. I mean, look at Josh. 14 months have gone by, and he's gone. I don't think he'll ever come back. I am in the middle of losing my soccer friends. They don't talk to me at all anymore unless I call. We were supposed to be the "Fab Four" for so many years to come. Since I retired from playing, I see less and less of them every month. Aren't they supposed to stick by my side? I'm the black sheep of my family. The odd one out. I have different views and opinions than them. They distance themselves from me.

I just wish I knew what to do. I'm terrified that I will end up alone in the long run. That I won't get married. Because, let's be honest. Who wants a short girl who isn't the prettiest, smartest, funniest, skinniest thing they've ever known? I'm plain. I'm boring. I'm crazy! No one wants that. And yes, I understand that I'm only 18 and that I have a lifetime to live and find love. I'm not saying I want to get married now. I'm just saying, if I was a guy, I wouldn't date me. I look at my adorable friends who go one dates, and talk to boys, and always have a knew guy fawning over them. Then there is me. Third-wheelin' it, it feels like.

All in all, I hate to be alone. But it's the constant feeling I have every day. Sure, I'm with people, but no one gets it. No one understands what has happened in my past. I wish I could just sit and let it all out. Tell a complete stranger who doesn't know me, what my problems were, are, and is. As much as people say the get it, they don't. I just wish someone would look me in the eye and tell me I'm not crazy. I feel like I really am losing it, and I wish I knew how to fix it.