Sometimes It's Hard

I love my religion. I love my church. I love the gospel and all that it has taught me. But being in my family, it's one of the hardest things to express. I used to be the kid that hated going to church. I would fake sick, sleep in, or just tell my mom no. I went inactive for awhile. Once I realized how much the church had kept my life in order, I started going back. I am to the point where I am begging my family to come with me on Sunday's. It really sucks. I have been going alone, sitting by myself in the back of the room. It's almost embarrassing. I can go with my friends to their wards, and I do on occasion! I just think that my mom looks at it as me going to hang out with my friends instead of the actual church part. I read my scriptures every night. I also ask my siblings if they want to read with  me. Betcha can't guess what their answer is? .."NO." It's rough. I get so frustrated with it. 
I get made fun of in my house for what I believe. My mom is religious. She just hates our ward so she never goes. My brother just hates every aspect of it. My dad is a convert, and I don't feel like he converted for the right reasons. Gracie never goes unless my mom makes her. They make fun of me for going. They mock me for the choices that I make and the things I do. They say it makes me seem like I act all high and mighty and that I'm holier than they are. I just go for myself. I don't know how to get that point across to them. I'm not saying I'm the perfect church member. We are all sinners, and sometimes it's hard to go to young women's and deal with beehives. I have to say, I've done better about making it. I haven't missed church in a couple months now, and I haven't missed a young women's Wednesday in a long while. I wish my family could see that I'm trying. I understand that they don't like our ward. I didn't either. Now, though? They are some of my very best friends. I love my ward! I'm accepted and cared about. My family bashes on them all the time. It breaks my heart, but to them, my point is invalid.
I'm working on not swearing anymore. It's hard, and I'm not saying I've stopped completely, and I probably won't. Because let's be honest... sometimes you just need to scream choice words. I'm working on really trying to study my scriptures. Not just read them. I take notes and reread things and go into detail with them. I have actually been going to seminary this year. (Shocker, right?) I've been putting myself into the lessons and really trying to get something out of it.
I think the reason I am truthfully trying so much is that I want to be sealed to my family. I've never been in the temple with them, and I hate it. All of my friends have been sealed to their family. I'm so jealous of them. I've made it my own personal goal to search for a young man that holds the priesthood. I want to have a family where we have Family Home Evening, where we go to church together on Sunday. I want to be able to go to the temple with my future husband. I love my family and the way we are. We act how we do because that's how God meant for it to be. I just wish they shared the same love that I do for the church. That's all I want when I have a family of my own.
My testimony has grown so much these last few months. I know things happen for a reason, and that it is all in God's plan. I can't wait to go out and serve the Lord on a mission in October. I know that trying to get my family involved in the church is just a lesson that I need to be put through to help me out in my life. I believe in the Book of Mormon, our prophet Thomas S. Monson, and all that we are taught. I'm grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Little Angels

I don't know how to react about Friday's news. Those 20 little kids that tragically lost their lives. It breaks my heart. I may not have known the kids, or even lived in the same state as them, but it affected us here in little Syracuse just as much. I came home during 7th period to talk to my mom when I turned on the news. I lost it. Jeff came over and we just sat and watched the news reports. As the numbers grew, so did my sadness. Twenty families lost one of their babies. How is that fair? I understand God has a plan, but sometimes His plan just breaks your heart. There is no explanation why this had to happen. Why them, why Connecticut, just why. We have so many questions that can't be answered right now. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families and friends that were affected by this. I was talking to my dad later that night and he told me about the school in Japan. The schoolchildren that were attacked by knife. I don't think I will ever understand how our world has come to this. It terrifies me to grow up and have kids of my own. The world is becoming a sick, twisted place. It makes you wonder what else is going to happen.I pray every night the world has some crazy turning point where we realize just how horrible we've become, and that it's time to change.

Ten Truths Tuesday

Not only is it Temple Tuesday, but it is Ten Truths Tuesday as well.

1. Friends is the greatest show. Ever.

2. I have met some amazing people this year. They are changing my life one day at a time.

3. I'm pretty sure my best friend and I aren't to good right now. I don't know what to do. We never go this long without really talking and hanging out.

4. I'm jealous of all of my friends with their cute missionaries out in the field.

5. JEFF IS COMING HOME. I am so ecstatic! He is transferring to Weber and coming home!

6. I really didn't want to leave California. I hate Syracuse. I was myself out in California. Not a care in the world. I hate it here.

7. I started SnapChatting LAST YEAR. Now everyone is doing it. Freaking losers.

8. I got Emily the coolest Christmas present ever. And as it sits here in my room, I contemplate keeping it for myself, that's how awesome it is.

9. Lion King will always be the best movie. Ever. Classic.

10. I'm scared of being alone. I hate it.

Getting It Out

I don’t know. I just need to get it off my chest. I love my friends. I really do. They have been so great this year. But I hate myself because of my friends. They are gorgeous. They are funny, smart, skinny, happy, amazing people. I’m none of that. I can’t compare to them. Of course, being a teenager, we care about what other people think of us. I don’t like myself, so why would anyone else like me? I know I’m not the prettiest girl. That’s a fact. But I don’t feel pretty. Ever. I never am dressed up enough, or my hair isn’t straight and long enough, or my makeup is to simple. It’s never good enough. 

I don’t feel smart. Every single one of my friends is a genius. They just understand school. It’s easy for them. I don’t. I struggle. I’m not a bad student; I’m just not a good enough student. That’s why I don’t ever go to school anymore. I get my assignments done and get good grades at the end. But I’m taking simple classes compared to everyone else. I feel stupid when everyone else is talking about the things they are learning about or going into. I feel like my friends make an effort to let me know that they are smarter. I get it. And I'm proud of them. I'm just not smart enough to keep up.

 All my friends are spiritual. They are all huge examples to me. But I don’t feel like I am anything close to that. I don’t have the same feelings they do, or they understand the gospel better, and they have a better love for it. They all grew up in families where the church was taught. I’m having to teach myself and be an example to a family that doesn’t even go to church anymore. It is the hardest thing to get up and go alone every single week. My friends don’t know what that’s like. I have different views on things. I'm scared to voice them because half of the time, they aren't the same as everyone else and I am alone with where I stand. 

 I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others. God intended it for me to be who I am. I just hate who I am half of the time. I miss who I was, I don’t like who I am.

I just don’t feel like I fit in with my friends. They are all so similar. Same backgrounds, same interests, same everything. I feel like I'm the odd one out every single time. I love them. I really do. I just wish I was good enough for them. Sometimes I feel like I am there for them, all day, every day. And they say they are there for me. But I don’t see it. They care. But it’s not the same.  There is one person who I could always talk to about this stuff. But since he left, I’m alone with my thoughts. And I hate to even bring him up. I’m scared to say his name in front of my friends anymore. They all keep telling me to get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. Nobody knows how much this kid affected my life. He saved me when I was in my worst days. He made me who I am. I miss him more every day. Yeah, I’m slowly trying to get over it and move on. But it isn’t easy. When my girlfriends lose a guy, I try to be there for them. Help them on the way. Maybe I suck at it, but I’m trying my hardest. I just don’t feel like anyone understands where I’m coming from. I mean…this kid and I have known each other since we were 8. That’s ten years. It’s a long time. How do you go from being best friends to nothing in a matter of months? No one gets it. No one understands how much it hurts. I just have to bottle it up. Do I still cry over it? You better believe it. Every time I see that stupid flower, or our picture, I ball like a baby. I just can’t bring myself to give it up. Admit that it’s really over between us and it won’t ever happen again. No one really gets it.

Do you ever feel like you do so much for everyone, but get nothing in return? You drop anything you’re doing just to go help them, or show them you care, or go do service? I feel like I do that for my friends. But I never get anything in return. And I understand that I shouldn’t be expecting something in return to my actions. I just feel unnoticed. Unrecognized. Like maybe..it isn’t a big deal that I do some of these things. I want to stop. Just to see if people notice. But that isn’t me. I can’t just stop being there for someone, or doing something to make their day a little bit better.

Sometimes, I really wonder if people would even notice if I was gone. If I was to just pack up and go away without so much as a goodbye, I feel like people would be fine with it. They would get over it in two seconds, and be on to the next thing. I don't feel like I'm making an impact on anyone's life. I'm sorry if I'm not. I'm trying my hardest.. it's just not good enough.

I don’t want sympathy. I just want someone to come in my life and tell me that I’m going to be okay. I want someone to like me for who I am. I want them to help me like who I am. I don't want the same old words being thrown around. I want someone who cares to just hug me and say I'm going to make it through and I'm going to be alright. That I AM good enough and that I am trying my hardest. I don't know what else to do. I'm getting pretty good at making that fake smile everywhere I go. I'm just tired of it. 

The Plan

Do I know what my plan is? Not a clue. Last Saturday, President Thomas S. Monson, prophet of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, announced the new ages for missionaries. 18 for boys, and 19 for girls. The second I heard this, I started crying my eyes out. Me? On a mission in a year? How is that possible? Then I thought of all my boys that will be leaving right after high school. Parker, Cameron, Landon, Scott.. all of them. It will be a huge adjustment once they are all gone. I am so proud of them and their decision to go on missions and serve the Lord. They are such examples to me, and I don't know where I would be without them.
Tonight in my scripture study, I went over a verse. It was in Alma 58:12. It reads, "And we did take courage with our small force which we had received, and we were fixed with a determination to conquer our enemies, and to maintain our lands, and our possessions, and our wives, and our children, and the cause of our liberty." Everyone understands the scriptures in their own way. When I read this, I thought of Temple Tuesdays and my group of friends. At first, it started out as Landon and Parker, Emily, Scott, and myself. Just us five waking up at four in the morning and driving up to the Bountiful temple (Ogden being closed), and do baptisms for the dead. I know what you're thinking. Four? In the morning? Are you crazy? With it being a Tuesday that we go, we have late start. The day to sleep in for high school students. Not us! We take that opportunity and run with it. We went again, two weeks later. This time, we had nine people come. We added four more to the group. We felt so accomplished. We went again this last Tuesday morning. There were eight of us total. More people had planned to come, but things got in the way. I look at my small little group of friends and see the impact we have on people's lives. We got home this week from the temple, and Twitter and Facebook were blowing up with comments about our new tradition. We posted a picture of us at the temple, all together in our church clothes, at about 6:30 in the morning. By the time school had ended that day, we had about 30 likes on Facebook and Instagram. People were tweeting us saying how much they look up to us and our example. I see what my friends and I are doing, and I love it. We are a small force with great courage, and we had determination to do what was right. These kids bless my life so much, and I don't even think they truly understand.
I have started applying for colleges. I had first applied to Utah State University. The application was simple, as was sending in transcripts. Now I wait and see what will happen. I'm interested in a school in New York, called Syracuse University. They're a school solely focused on social work. I would absolutely die to go there! I know that it is expensive, but it is my dream come true.
Although I am stoked for college, the thought of a mission has been sitting in my mind for about 8 months now. I had been thinking about going on one once I turned 21, but now that I can go at 19? It seems like a more valid option. I have thinking and praying to do about this one, but we will see how it all turns out. Wish me luck!

I am so grateful for the life I have been given. Senior year has been one of my most favorite years so far. Between having the best friend group, doing crazy things, getting a job, and almost turning 18 (8 more days), I am loving it. Everything happens for a reason, and I know that I am so blessed.

"Up-Lifting"

7-Up-Lifting Ways to Start Your School Day

1. WAKE UP - Decide to have a good day. "This is the day which the LORD hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

2. DRESS UP - Dress modestly, that if the Lord came tomorrow, you would feel comfortable to be in His presence.

3. SHUSH UP - Say nice things and learn to listen. Allow Holy Ghost to help direct your decisions.

4. STAND UP - For what you believe in! Stand for something or you will fall for anything.

5. LOOK UP - To the Lord. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillipians 4:13

6. REACH UP - For something higher. Have high hopes and always try to better yourself.

7. LIFT UP - Your voice in prayer. "Life is fragile and, therefore, should be handled with prayer."

Well there you have it!

As much as I hate to say it.. my summer is ending. My last summer as a kid. Do you know how scary that is to think about and have it become a realization? This was hands down one of the greatest summers I have ever had. I learned a lot about myself, who my real friends were, and what I want out of life.

If you keep up with me, you know that I went through a really rough time last year. Lately, people keep asking me about it and it's made me think. I was pretty much down and out. But I changed my attitude. I went through a time where it was just me and my family. No friends. Now I have a few of the greatest peope in my life that I can call my best friends. My family and I are tighter than we have ever been. I am so grateful for the problems and issues that I had to go through. They have helped me become the person that I've been trying to find.

My best friend is now a college student. It was so hard to say goodbye to him. He helped pull me out of a dark spot. When I needed a laugh, he would come over at 2 in the morning just to talk to me. My family is convinced we are getting married. Either way, I know that God sent him into my life to help me. He is such a blessing, and I honestly don't know where I would be without him.

The fabulous four. My soccer friends. More like my sisters. Moving to Forza was a scary thing for us. We didn't know the girls, the coach, or the playing style. Making that move was risky. I am so glad we did it though. We stick together. That has been out motto out of this whole thing. There is not a week that goes by where we don't call and check up on each other. It's hard to get together with Britt at Roy, Kates at Weber, Squid at Layton, and me at Syracuse. Friday night football games are our new way to hang out. We are all so different from each other that it doesn't even make sense how we are friends. But we make it work. We are all planning on college together next fall. These girls make soccer worth it.

I'm scared. Excited. Nervous. I mean.. do you blame me? I'm going to be a senior this year. I am turning 18 in less than 2 months. I will be a legal adult. How did this happen? Last I remember, I was playing dress up in the basement and singing along to the Cheetah Girls. Now look at me. I'm driving. I'm researching colleges. I am already buying things for when I move out. Sometimes I think to myself, "You know.. if I had to move out and live on my own, I could probably do it." Then there are times where I am gone for a night and miss my mom like crazy. The world expects us to be all grown up after 18 years. I don't think ANYONE is ever fully grown up. Especially as a teenager.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of who I was. The people I used to hangout with. The boy I will always have feelings for. It will always be a part of me. But you know what? I'm so happy with how I have lived my life. I have no regrets. I am living life how I want to. I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way. I am proud of myself for the decisions I have made with the church. My testimony is strengthened all the time.

This school year, I am making it a personal goal to blog once a week. That will be my journaling. Good luck to everyone with the new school year! Sending my love!

Summer Summer Summer

Well, the time has come. I am officially a senior! And how am I spending my summer? By being crazy, of course!

*Beware. Picture over load coming your way.

This is what I live for. Soccer on a daily basis. Hundreds of people watching one game, with one love. You will never fully understand the love someone can have for this game until you yourself play it. You think it's easy? Go ahead. Go play 90 minutes of soccer. Of pushing and pulling girls down around you, while being mentally prepared for whatever could come next. Try playing with no pads. It's just you and your bare body. They say on average, you run 3 miles a game. How many people can say they do that for fun? We love it. It is what we do, it is what had made us strong.

Don't talk about me, my team, or my sport until you have tried it.

I promise. It's a lot harder than you believe it to be.

The love of the game. That is my fuel.

    It's no wonder we don't have boyfriends. Staying in Park city for the Avalanche tournament with my three sisters. We have nasty soccer feet. Socks are our best friends.

Britt, Me, Kates, Syd.

The Fabulous Four!

Onto Forza we go.

                                                                                                                                                                   

    

Jackson Stewarts Graduation. I love him. <3

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Jeff at Graduation. So proud of my porcupine

She loves her Jeffrey Herbert. They apparently go to dinner without telling me.

Oscar! My swedish friend from this year. So glad I got the chance to meet him

We've been friends since kindergarten. On Tuesdays, we had matching outfits. Split up for a couple of years, and started talking again in Chemistry. Crazy how times have changed.

Skyelie and I after baptisms for the dead

The first two weeks of my summer have been dedicated to Euro 2012. I love my teams, Spain and England. Spain with a 4-0 win today.

Avalanche tournament with my 3 best friends

Running to get ready for Syracuse's graduation. Getting dressed in the car.

One year ago, we went to get slurpees after soccer practice. To this day, we are best friends. After try-outs for our new team, we decided to get slurpees again. Grateful for this girl in my life. Love you Britt Scadlock. Best friends always!

Parker and I! I just love him to death. Whenever I am down, he knows just what to say. He is a blessing in my life.

I love him! He is my number one guy in my life. I don't know where I would be without Jeffrey Ernest Herbert! He is off on an adventure to Saudi Arabia for 3 weeks. I have no clue what I shall do without him. He is my best friend, my porcupine, my Zeb.

  

Summer is here. Are you ready to party?

Good Weekends

My weekend, you ask? It was fantastic! I seriously have some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for. This school year is ending on a good note. On Thursday, Britt and I went to Salt Lake to go to her friends graduation. It was fun to hang out down there and act like adults! Friday, I decided to leave school early and go to the Scadlock's home. Britt and I hung out with her brother, Kyle. It was such a crazy few hours. Kyle thought he was cool and started showing me card tricks...again. Then we played pool and started wrestling. We did that for about an hour, until Kyle hit me in the face with a flying card and broke a clothes hanger on Brittany's arm. Needless to say, he owed us big time. He took us to Zeppes and bought us some yummy Italian Ice and gelata! Afterwards, we headed to my house to make fried chicken for dinner. Emily came over and we just relaxed for a bit. We headed to Scott's house to hang out with some other friends. It honestly was the most easy-going, relaxed, and fun party. I am grateful for the people Heavenly Father is putting in my life these days. Saturday, Emily, Landon, Parker, and I headed to the Bountiful temple! It was pouring rain, the car didn't drive right, and there was accident after accident. We believe Satan did not want us to go and do baptisms. We got there and did baptisms.. it was the most needed day. After we got home, Britt and I had a sister movie night. I love how chill my friends are!

I know things have been difficult, but I feel like the more I am trying to better myself, the better my life is going. I love my friends, and I'm grateful for knowing they are here for me.

Junior Year

Well here we are. At the close of another school year. And I am not ashamed to say I'm happy to see it go. This has been the craziest, most emotionally, mentally, and physically draining year of my life. Coming into this year, I thought it would be great. I would have all my friends, soccer would be perfect, and I would just be a regular teenage girl. Boy was I wrong! I don't know what happened, but people changed. And that's okay! Everyone does, and most of the time it is for the better. Personally, I know I changed A LOT. But it's made me a stronger person inside and out. I'm no longer friends with a lot of the people I was closest with. Would I do anything for them on anyday? Absolutely. Even if we don't talk now, they were a big part of my life and I'm always going to be there for them.
Emotionally...this year was hard for everyone is Davis Country. Specifically Clearfield and Syracuse High. Between losing our friends due to suicide, it took a toll on a lot of us. It made me realize that life is so fragile. You have to be conscious with everything you say to someone. You don't know the battles they are currently fighting. Tanner, Sam, Zack...you boys are always in my heart. I miss you all so much. I know you guys are looking over us though and sending us your love.
I lost my best friend this year. Nothing happened to him, we just grew apart. And it eats at me ever single day. I still have hope that one day we will work out our issues and be able to talk again. It's been officially three months since we've spoken. 9 years down the drain it feels like. I still love him to death. And he will always hold a special place in my heart that no one can fill. Love you, Broughykins. I hope you are doing well and everything is okay.

Soccer has been a whirlwind this year. High school season we should have dominated, but sadly struggled throughout the whole season. I definitely made some amazing friends and grew stronger. I've made the decision I am done with soccer. I don't have the drive for it anymore. I love my comp team with all my heart, but I don't love the sport. I've made the decision I am going to run cross country. I love it and I know I'm good at it. I think it will be such a good experience for me. I have one tournament with my comp team left.. we will see how it goes. It will be an emotional time for a lot of the girls. We are all sisters. We used to be so distant from each other, but now we all are so close. They were my best friends when I didn't like myself, my city, or my school.

Best friends always. I love my girls, my coach, and what I gave 11 years of my life to. I'm grateful for the experiences I had from this whole thing. I wouldn't take it back for anything.

It's not that school was hard this year. It was just draining. It seemed that no matter what, I couldn't agree with my Chemistry teacher. That took a toll on me and the entire class. No one wanted to be there. It seemed that everything just wore me out. Especially after having mono, strep, AND bronchitits. After that, I just couldn't focus. Those three months of being sick were horrible. I kept my grades up though, which I thought was a stressful task. I've come to the point where I wear jeans and a soccer shirt to school. And MAYBE mascara. I know, I've been looking lovely. But I just don't care anymore!

I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. This year has been a test to see what I can live through. I don't know where I would be without the Church in my life. I'm in the middle of the Book of Mormon for the second time. I am catching things I didn't see or understand the first time I've gone through it. I'm grateful for a gospel that allows me to repent and know of the atonement. My life would be flipped all around with it as a steady rock.

Junior year, GOODBYE. It is time for us to part.. Thankfully. Summer? Be good to me. I want to be a teenager and have one of the most unforgettable summers yet. Senior year? Bring it on. :)

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

So What Do You Want To Know

• 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

 The last person was my grandpa. That guy is the best. I love him and all he does for me

• 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Well you see, I'm almost 18. So why not?

• 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Basically any time I talk to someone. I'm a fighter and I go until I win.

• 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Of course. Wouldn't you want a smile from someone random? There are actually good people in the world.

• 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Well if I was dating or talking to someone, I'm sure. As of right now? Flyin' solo.

• 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

If It Means A Lot To You by ADTR. Reminds me of my old best friend and all the crazy stuff we went through.

• 7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

Favorite jeans with my seatbelt belt-buckle, rings, and a green floral print shirt. Tooo comfy.

• 8. How often do you listen to music?

Just about as often as I blink.

• 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

You'd think being a soccer girl I would wear sweats every day like my team. Or not. Jeans, my dear.

• 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

Do I want it to? little bit. Will it? of course it will.

• 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Both. I don't care for people, but I get lonely. I'm social when I want to be.

• 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

ohhh yes.

• 13. What about ‘R’?

nope!

• 14. Can you drive a stick shift?

HA. More like i destroy the engine ever single time. So that's a no.

• 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

At some point, it gets old and I just don't care anymore. If you don't like me, that's cool. Keep running your mouth. i'm sure that will make others think more highly of you.

• 16. Are you going out of town soon?

Not for a long while. sadly

• 17. When was the last time you cried?

Saturday? pretty sure. lovely nights when thinking and reminicing get the better of you.

• 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

absolutely. Family, best friends,

• 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

i like my blue-gray eyes. so nope. not in a million years

• 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

there is absolutely one boy who i would drop the world for. any day. any time. always.

• 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

Pretty sure my family threw away my check. no big deal. not like i need to fill my car up anytime soon or anything.

• 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

well duh.

• 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dating? well, i'm currently single..so no.

• 24. What are you sitting on right now?

dark red room, with a view of the wind. woo.

• 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Every once in awhile. but yes.

• 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

have you been reading my journal? always have, always will. i miss him.

• 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

my favorite boy, Jeffrey Herbert (:

• 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yeah. I get sick more than a normal person should. That's where the medication kicks in.

• 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

Tilly's. My fav store ever. don't shop there. it's my place, not yours.

• 30. Does anyone hate you?

yeah probably. i don't care enough to find out though.

• 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

well i am an avid drinker so... hahahaha no. never.

• 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

every once in awhile. not alone. NEVER alone.

• 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

I don't even have my ears pierced. You think i want to skip right to the tongue? heavens no.

• 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

any high school year. it's a joke.

• 35. Did you have a dream last night?

probably. don't remember it though. never do.

• 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

today! leaving my grandparents home. and of course i meant it fully.

• 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I say no now, but chances are yes. bittersweet.

• 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

only if they don't like me. none of attraction currently.

• 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

if they are, let's all hope it's something good.

• 40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

for the most part, it went well. doen't happen to often.

• 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

funny story. yes. but no. I wouldn't admit it, then we split because i wasn't ready for the commitment he wanted.

• 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

gonna go see my bff britt tomorrow. so yeah

• 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yup. but guess who isn't around these days? thanks pal. love you too.

• 44. What’s the best part about school? 

meeting new people. and figuring out what i want to do with my life.

• 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

wayyy to many. people get annoyed with it. but they are good pictures. good memories.

• 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Brady blackley writes me a little note every once in awhile. thats it. and i love it.

• 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

all day. every day. i need a new hobby.

• 48. Were you single over the last summer?

i like to think of it as independent

• 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

no. and it breaks my heart. if i could go back two years, my life would be perfect. it sucks now. i miss 9th grade and my friends. i miss loving everything.

• 50. Who is the prettiest girl you know?

for an 11 year old, my little sister is gorgeous. i'm jealous of that little girl.

• 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

there is no way i could hate him. Marcus is my favorite husband ;)

• 52. Are you nice to everyone?

nah. and i'm pretty sure that's why people don't like me. oh well, i'd rather be honest and hated than tell and a lie and loved.

• 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yup. one of the funnest few months. and most stressful. i miss him.

• 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

been there, done that, could do it again. i believe in being faithful? maybe some people should try it.

• 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

the best. no one knows that i'm an emotional wreck most of the time. i'm a pretty good actress.

• 56. Do you think you like someone?

always have and always will.. now if only he'd get over himself and we could fix things.

• 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

hahaha yeah. that caused some problems.

• 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys. best friends are ALWAYS boys. girls suck.

• 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

one or two of them. and only on rare occasions. you know it's bad if i'm crying in front of you.

• 60. Do you hate anyone?

i couldn't hate anyone. even after everything you put me through, i still have a soft spot for most people. or i can just tolerate them.

• 61. How’s your heart?

broken. empty.

• 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

February 23, 2012

• 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

too much. let me just cry..AGAIN.

• 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

My old best friends. They come up with new reasons to hate me all the time. I learn new things about myself from them all the time.

• 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

teal!

• 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

never again.

• 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

most of the time.

• 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

only at soccer. good think i have sick tiger spandex.

• 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mama. I was running late to school.. that was a fun conversation.

• 70. How do you look right now?

school is out. i look unacceptable for the public.

• 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

my best friends-my sisters

• 72. Can you commit to one person?

one hundred percent.

• 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

well, uh. not anymore.

• 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

ahem, story of my entire life.

• 75. Did you wake up cranky?

yup. i woke up late. how's that for waking up on the right side of the bed?

• 76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah. but that way you know i care about you.

• 77. Are you obsessed with anything?

hunter hayes, chick flicks, twitter. no biggee.

• 78. Anyone you’re giving up on? 

all my old best friends. it just isn't in the cards for us to be together anymore.

• 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

him.

• 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

 actually go to school. yay. pysch.

• 81. Last person you cried in front of?

probably bff britt.

• 82. Is there someone you will never forget?

 sadly, yes. even though i wish i could.

• 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

definitely not. i just love those blank stares he gives me in the halls and at home.

• 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

fighting. and probably laughing. maybe throwing frosting at each other. or watching a movie.going on a daily drive.

• 85. Are you over your past?

i live in my past.

• 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

i liked my best friend for 9 years. he was a cute guy.

• 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

no. not anymore.

• 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

in a heartbeat.

• 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah. we were to close. he would do the same for me

• 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yeah. broke up with him because of that. good decision.

• 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

well a summer fling would be fun..

• 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

not personally i do believe.

• 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

definitely not.

• 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

i was in a relationship with my bed. super sick = super fun

• 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

not entirely. we fought to much.

• 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

well, i do think my dear friend marcus is a good lookin guy.

• 97. Who do you have texts from?

mom, dad, marcus, em, jackson, etc.

• 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

well good luck with that.

• 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

multiple times.

• 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

me, myself, and i.

• 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

not yet.

• 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

mmhmm. used to all the time.

It's Been Nice



It has been some of the craziest weeks for the last month or so. After my team got back from California, we were inseparable. We went to Color Festival. A Hindu tradition. It was one of the funnest days of my life. We all showed up in white shirts..and left covered from head to toe.  

This was the group as we first walked in. Syd, Jord, Britt, Me, Kates, Dunc, and Syd. We had only been in the place for a total of five minutes. We knew it would get crazy.

Here is our group after the festival. It was definitely a bonding experience for all of us. I love these girls with all my heart, and they are some of the best girls I know.

This is Britt and I after. She is my best friend, and basically my sister. I don't know where I would be without this girl in my life.

I met a few kids from Ogden this weekend. From what it sounds like, life up there is so different from here in Syracuse. Emily and I are planning to go and hang out with them more often. I'm excited to meet some new people and hopefully make some new friends.
Emily and I definitely know how to rock a weekend. Between going and seeing Jackson as a lead in the play, date night, How I Met Your Mother, and decorating cars, we are some of the funnest girls you will ever meet.
I'm grateful for the few close friends that mean so much to me.

To Catch You Up

I know. I've been missing for weeks. I promise I have a good excuse! My computer crashed in my room. I've been living off of my phone and NOOK for weeks. It is quite the adjustment. When I last wrote, it was about soccer. About how they were basically my only friends and my sisters. Then I posted the funny video and picture of what my life is. A lot has happened since all of that.
Sadly, we lost two young teens in the end of February. Tanner Birch and Sam Rodemack. I knew both of these boys. I met Tanner while I was on a date and he was working at Neilson's Frozen Custard. I got his number and we started talking. I came to find out I was close friends with his brother Logan. Sam and I had all of our I.B. classes together in junior high. Sam was the kid you could always turn to if you needede something. Whether it was just a hug or a piece of 5Gum. They both took their lives in a matter of three days. Tanner on a Sunday, and Sam on a Wednesday. These boys are missed every single day. People that didn't even know them were heartbroken. It was a rough week for the kids in the Clearfield and Syracuse area. We came together and worked through it though. Those two boys will always be remembered for what they did for everyone in their life. There isn't a day that goes by where they aren't missed like crazy.
Life is crazy. It is weird. Sometimes it seems like it is to hard to handle. I've lost a lot of friends this year. But I'm okay with it. I'm a better person without them. I've mended some friendships that I'm so grateful for in my life. I still miss certain people, and I probably always will. And I'm trying to get over it, it is just difficult. The house is still up for sale. I'm praying someone comes along looking for a nice house and they choose ours. It is definitely time for me to get out of Syracuse. Not my most favorite place. So if any lovely bloggers are looking for a beautiful house, message me and I will hook you up!
I love my soccer team. We keep getting closer and closer as the weeks go by. We just got back from San Diego. We went to play in the NOMADS soccer tournament. Don't ask how we did. It wasn't pretty. We had a crazy good time though. It was a vacation to be with our sisters. Story time. On Sunday night, it was April Fool's Day. We had just gotten back from team dinner at Cheesecake Factory and we weren't tired AT ALL. So we decided to all hang out. My group (Britt, Syd, Kates) all decided to go and chill in the Box Elder girls room. (Megan, Lana, Kaylie, Heather) When we got to their room, we discovered our coaches room was right next door. We just HAD to prank him. Two of our girls were starting to hop balconies to get onto his when he came out and freaked out at us. We needed a better plan. We got our assistant coach to call Mike out of his room. Once he was out, we had Syd and Kates hop the balcony again and see if his back door was open. It was locked. We gave them some soap and had them write a long note to him on his window. We had to find a way into his room! Britt and Katie ran down to the front desk to get a card. They said what room and what the it was under. They happily gave us a card, thinking we were innocent girls. We called housekeeping asking to bring two rolls of toilet paper to the room so we could paper it and trash it. Once the girls got back up to the rooms, we snuck quietly into Mike's room. Then, disaster struck. We let Kates and Syd into the room, off of the balcony, and we went crazy. We flipped both of his matteresses, moved his t.v., threw clothes around, toilet papered everything, sprayed his cologne around, and tipped all the chairs over. While we were in the process of this, Megan ran in the room and locked the door behind her, scared out of her mind. We were puzzled. She told us to shut up and then explained what was going on. There was a security guard walking around our floor. We were convinced he was going to come and see what we were doing and we were going to get in HUGE trouble. We sat in silence for what felt like a year. Finally, we all ran to the 'safe room', or the Box Elder girls room. Megan's mom walked in and told us about the security guard. She said we were going to get in trouble if we destroyed Mike's room. ...To late for that. We heard a *tap**tap* at the door. We all went silent. Megan opened the door to see the security guard standing there. He was holding two rolls of toilet paper. He said housekeeping sent him to bring them up. We felt like such idiots. Once he left, we all busted up laughing. We heard Mike come back to his room. The second he opened his door, he started swearing up a storm. We had accomplished something genuis. We all ran into his room with our extra key card. He turned and looked at us, stunned that his little girls could pull off something so good. We ended up cleaning the room for him, terrified for what he had in store for us at practice later in the week. In the morning, a few of the parents stopped each girl and complimented us on our prank. It felt good.

I'm so grateful for everything I've been given. I know I don't say it enough but I am. I love my family, I love my soccer team, I love the few amazing friends I have in my life. I'm so thankful for the gospel in my life and a Savior that loved me enough to give his life.

What Soccer Girls Say

This is basically the story of my life. Pardon the language in here. If you are a soccer girl..you should be able to relate to almost everything in this video.

Why yes. I do play soccer. And I love every second of it.

Wait..You Don't Have Friends Either??

I promise. This isn't a post about not having friends. This is me, telling about my soccer team and how close we've all become. Right now, I'm playing for the Ogden Outlaws. My coach is Mike Hickman Jr. Playing on this team has been a whirlwind from day one. I came to this team when I was in 8th grade. They were still Rampage when I came. Most of the girls had already been playing together since they were about 8. So you can imagine how alone and awkward I felt showing up to that first indoor practice. No one talked to me. I had to be partnered with people instead of choosing a group. It took only a few weeks to really connect with those girls. To be honest, I didn't like a lot of them. They thought they were all that, but so did I. We clashed. I later became a captain on this team. I stayed captain for about three and a half years. In between those years, we switched over to the Ogden Outlaws, where my coach had played as a semi-pro. We loved it! It was so much better than the Rampage Club.
So..to talk about the present day. Our team has been going through a lot lately. Between girls quitting, a lot of us getting really sick (Me with strep/mono/who knows what it was, Britt with pneumonia, Searle with whatever she has), then with injuries (Me-hips-out for two months Sage-broken elbow-out for 6-8 weeks Katie-hips/hamstrings-lets be real. she is out every three months for something new.) We have had a hard time getting together and actually connecting again. We've had girls come and go, and as of right now we have about 4-5 of us from the original Rampage team. Everyone else is new. It was hard to get to know everyone and finally trust them, but we did it.
Tonight it hit me. We have a year left with this team before we all go our separate ways. Some of us to go play college ball, some to just study in school, and others will be starting a family. It's just crazy how old we all are! As a team, we've all connected finally. Some of these girls have turned into my best friends. We are all at different schools. Katie and I at Syracuse. Britt at Roy. Allie, Sage, and Kates at Weber, and so on and so forth. It's hard to get together when we all live so far away.
Tonight while we were at practice, we worked hard. We kicked butt while we conditioned and busted out to some serious tunes. Then we played a 3v3v3 scrimmage. Yet again, we totally killed it. My coach has been so happy with us for the last couple weeks. If you know him, that rarely ever happens. Nearing the end, we all decided to play more games instead of shooting. We were waiting for Mike to set up the drill when we all started juggling. While we were juggling, the topic of school and friends was brought up.Everyone at once, it seemed, chimed in about how they don't really have friends at their school. Thinking we were the only ones, this surprised us all. Truth be told, that is how it is for all of us. I hang out with Katie at school, Brittany on the weekends. At most, all of us only have about 3 really good friends besides the team. I think that made us all realize that we are so much alike, that it's easy to see how we all can be best friends at soccer, and not worry about having other friends outside of the team.
We kept juggling for about 10 more minutes. Mike joined in. The drill was set up, but we avoided it and just kept messing around. This doesn't happen all that much. We all tried to one up each other with tricks and moves, hit each other (Britt and Mike..) and just chatted. With five minutes left of practice, Mike asked if we wanted to play any games anymore. In unison, we all shouted, "NO!". So we carried on with our little game and bonding time.
All those girls on my team mean so much to me. I see them as friends, but also as family. I know if I need anything, they are just a phone call away. I guess that's what you get when you spend so much time with a group of crazy girls, and a coach who is a little crazier than us.
I love my Outlaws

Pinterest Made Me Do It..Again

What could we have possibly seen on Pinterest to spark our creative eye? Why, only the coolest little cake you have ever seen!

Here is an example from Pinterest of what some people did. Now..we didn't want ours to be just plain and boring..

We started off with just making normal white cake mix. Then we separated the batter into 5 different bowls. (Depending on how many colors you choose to use.)

Ashlie took quite a few pictures..of everything. 

These are the five colors we decided to use. Purple, blue, green, yellow, and black. The black was definitely a shocker. It turned out to be everyone's favorite color of the cake.

We started off just taking spoons and drizzling our batter onto the pan. It made it more hectic and original.

It took a LONG time to get all the batter in there.

There is what our cake looked like right before being put in the oven. We were nervous all the colors would mix, but they stayed in form.

Right out of the oven!

"El Horno Es On-o!"

Plating the cake..

And there you have it! There is our lovely, colorful cake! We were very impressed and definitely encourage you all to try it. Great for girls nights!

Kendra(Freshman)McKenzie(Sophmore)Heather(Senior)Ashlie(Junior)Courtney(Junior)

It's Finally Over

2011... I can't say I'm sad to see you go. You definitely gave me a run for my money. Half the time, I wasn't sure how I was going to pull through. Anything and everything that could go wrong...did. Friends? Definitely lost quite a few. Stuff happened. People changed. We all did. You can't change that. I miss my best friend. I will always love him, but right now we aren't supposed to be together. So I'll wait. When he is ready to talk, he knows I'm here. To sit, to listen, to talk, and to just be us again. I love him and miss him. It's been weird not having him around so much. I can't get used to it. We will be ok in the future. I know we will. Time will only tell, I guess. Soccer? Craziest year we have EVER had. Between my hips finally giving out on me, me switching teams back and forth a few times, and a near winless high school season, I had a lot of chances of growth and opportunity. Family? We are stronger than ever. It's just us 5 here. My parents, Carson, Gracie, and me. We are our own support system and we have needed each other the last little while. My aunt and uncle have separated. My cousins and I have become a lot closer since then, even if they do live across the country.
All in all? I'm just walking away from 2011, thankful for the experiences and thankful that it made my family closer than ever. That year could have been a lot worse, but it also could have been a heck of a lot better.
2012, please be good to me. I have high expectations. Hopefully our house will sell and we can move somewhere we like to call "home" still. If not, fingers crossed my parents let me transfer schools. I would do anything to get out of Syracuse. I'm not running away, I'm just looking for something new and better. This being the year that I become a senior, that I turn 18, is a big year for me. I am growing up and realizing that there is so much more to life than popularity and high school.
Have a good year. Everyone out there. I am sending love and hope that you can make this year all that you want it to be. Good luck. Don't forget, even when you feel like you are at the end of the road, things will get better. Everyone has a "happily ever after" planned. If things aren't ok, they aren't done yet. You'll be okay. I know it.