Fake It 'Til You Make It

I have an example in my life. Brianna Brough! She is seriously one of my best friends and she is such an example to me. I look up to her and turn to her for anything. After all of these lovely friend dilemma's I've been having, I needed someone to talk to. She has been through anything you can imagine. Her biggest peace of advice? "Fake it 'til you make it"

So you know what? I'm not going to let them get the best of me. They can't tear me down. With all that people throw at me, I know I can take it. In my patriachal blessing, it says that when the time comes, I will be standing with my armor ready to fight. I have a feeling it's time. I have to keep my true friends close, and I can't forget who I am. If I don't change who I am, I will come out on top. You think you can change me? You think you can hit me over and over again and I'll be ok with that? 1. You can't change who I am. And 2. You don't have any right to judge me, when you've done similar things. I have tried to work it out with you and make the best of our summer and our high school career. You obviously don't care.

NEITHER DO I.

Marilyn Monroe has said, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."   

It's my life, I'll live it how I want. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable of making my life the best it can be, and you can't change it.

Next time you see me, even when I'm not feeling the best, I will fake it and show you that you haven't affected me at all. I have my true friends. The people that wouldn't leave my side. And they treat me like an individual. We have our differences, but they accept me. So you can go on and change who you are. That's your own personal choice and it'll hopefully be the best for you. I will fake it, until I make it out of high school, and out of these silly little games we keep playing.

Good luck to you out there. The struggle and heartache isn't worth my time.

Be Happy

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Be happy.

 Life is full of mishaps and sadness. 

Look past it.

Be brave.

Fall in love.

Have heart.

Give all the time.

Care for others.
Be honest.
Have fun.

BE HAPPY

It's A Gift

"Boy, why'd you let me go to bed last night,
with tears in my eyes, tears in my eyes?
Why'd you let me go to bed last night,
cryin' myself to sleep.
If it only happened just one time, maybe I'd think that you and I'd be just fine.
But you let me go to bed last night, with tears in my eyes, yeah.."

-Andrew Allen; Tears In My Eyes

Crying is ok. It's a release. In seminary a few months ago, we talked about the gift of weeping. Trust me...I don't like it. It makes me feel weak and helpless. Sometimes, it's ok to cry. Times are hard. As a teenager, we are put to the test. Which friends to choose, is this the right decision, should I like this boy? And so much more. We pray. We read our scriptures. We try to choose the right, but sometimes it feels so wrong. 

It breaks my heart to see others cry. I try to be the shoulder they need to cry on. 

...Where is my shoulder to cry on?

I don't know how many times in the past few weeks I have gone to bed with tears in my eyes. Over boys, friends, lost relationships, everything in between. I don't feel good enough. I have a low self esteem. And I feel alone. It doesn't mean I am. I do have a few friends {I.E. Emily and McCall} that I can count on for anything. 

I feel like I have given up. I've given up on trying, and I've given up on caring. I wanted a positive attitude, but I got a neutral one you could say. I feel so platonic now. Never happy, but never sad. I don't know what that means. 

Honestly, I'm done trying. Go with the flow..? We'll see if I can.

I don't mean to write continuously redundant and pathetic posts. I just need to vent, and even if it's to complete strangers, it's helping. 

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I wanted change... But I didn't expect this.
Don't you love when you start to feel like you are losing your very best friend? Greatest feeling ever.
Or how about when you have lost every single one of your group of friends? They tell you that they love you and they will stand by you, and then disappear? This has seriously been the greatest summer ever. Or not, whatever. Yeah, it's pretty much sucked. Losing almost all of my friends, that's exactly what I wanted to happen. I don't know why its all happening, but I know that I kind of asked for it. I want things to be how they were...just for a minute. Let's count...shall we? How many friends could I call right this very second and just talk to? About 3. How many did I have before the summer started? To many to count. I honestly am losing people I care about. I'm done with all this drama. I want my old friends back...Is that to much to ask? Honestly, go ahead and conform. Go ahead and be immature and stupid. There is a line, and you crossed it. I pray every night things get better...Do they? Not yet.
I wanted an unforgettable summer and I got what I wanted.

10 Truths Tuesday

Rules: 

You must have 10 truths

You must be with out a doubt, undeniably, one hundred percent, truthful.

You can not be worried about what others will say.

Its time for another 10 Truths Tuesday from Courtney!

I know I already posted today,  but its been awhile since I've done this.

My Ten Truths:

I'm secretly in love with a boy...but I can't tell my friends.

I have never appreciated my soccer team more than I do now.

I still feel like I'm not good enough sometimes.

I worry about who watches me. Am I being a good example? The best I can be?

Sophmore year was the worst year of my life. I would never replay it.

I miss my friends so much, it hurts. I wish things had never changed between some of us.

I am all about having a new attitude right now. No judgement to anyone.

I'm jealous of all the relationships I'm seeing right now. I want that.

I don't understand why we have drama. Its petty and pointless.

I'm in the mood for a perfect day. No drama, just friends. Sleep. Happiness.

New Me?

New me?

I've been talking about change.

How I need to change my attitude, 

get out of bad situations,

make something good work.

Well...if this isn't enough change for you...I don't know what is.

I took off about 11 inches of my hair yesterday morning.

I'm donating it to Locks Of Love...

That's the only reason I am somewhat handling this.

I miss my long hair already,

but I can officially say I'm not a hypocrite. 

I wanted change, and I followed through.

My friend Emily told me that yesterday.

New life...New hair...New attitude...New everything.

Always U.N.I.Q.U.E

Never B.O.R.I.N.G

That's My Girl

I wish that I could see myself, for who I am.
Forget everyone else
If I could only catch a peak,
of whats inside I'd never hide
You see,
Way up in the sky, my father divine,
Ruler overseas is watching me.
He sees my every kindness,
Looks through my blindness,
Knows all my weaknesses,
And yet He still says

That's my girl, my beautiful girl.
She's changing this world, her beauty unfurled.
She is mine, my daughter divine.
She was born to shine. That's My Girl!

Once in awhile, I can't help but smile
Knowing the Lord has love in store
I'm beginning to see all that he's done for me
It makes my day to hear him say

That's my girl, my beautiful girl.

She's changing this world, her beauty unfurled.

She is mine, my daughter divine.

She was born to shine. That's My Girl!

I am born divine, if only I could see that

I can truly shine. It's inside of me!

Sometimes his love, that comes from above,

I may not deserve when I do not serve.

Or when I'm not strong and say something wrong

I can't find my way, that's when I hear him say

That's my girl, my beautiful girl.

She's changing this world, her beauty unfurled.

She is mine, my daughter divine.

She was born to shine. That's My Girl!

That's My Girl

Kristin Thomas

She wrote this song for Laurels camp. Take a second and think about it.

I'm Done Worrying

I'm over it!
I'm done worrying about what everyone is saying
thinking
and doing.
I think it's time I start to live my life for M.E.
You say you don't trust me anymore? I was there for you when you lost your best friend.
Say I'm making stupid decisions? I'm a teenager learning!
I'm sick of worrying about what others say and think.
No, this isn't about just one person. Its about everyone.
Back to my whole "judging" thing awhile ago,
I'm done with caring about how others judge me.
So have fun with friends that don't treat you right,
have fun being perfect.
Life is about experiencing. You mess up, you fix it.
That's what I'm doing.
Rehab for the soul?
Cheesy but true!
It's my life. I'm going to live it to the fullest, experience new things, be stupid, have fun, and just be me.
Don't try and change that, because you can't. Trust me.

This is probably the most uplifting thing I've felt in awhile... I'm taking control of my life again.
And boy? Does it feel dang good.

Its Nights Like Tonight. . .

that I wish would never change. My friends? Things are getting a million times better. McCall and Josh came to my game today...It meant the world to me. None of my friends have ever seen me play..until now. Busted out to music in Josh's car. It was grand. Got home, hung out with my mom, went shopping...AND GOT THE COOLEST THINGS EVER. B'loonies.Greatest invention ever.
Emily and I went to the Park with Joshua Parker Brough. Saw Jaden Ralphs, got to hang out with him. Love that kid!! Then Trevor came. Emily and I busted out to music in my car again, met at Jadens, watched Zoolander. Its such a lousy night, that probably won't be relevant again, but I loved it. Makes me happy that there are guys that can turn your day around like that.

Best Friend

You all know him.

You know he is my best friend.

I dedicate this post to just him.

This kid has changed me for the better.

Without him, I wouldn't have such a strong testimony,

I wouldn't have a greater appreciation for things,

and I wouldn't have my best friend.

We went on a walk this evening.

We talked about life. 

School.

People.

Soccer.

Future.

This is the only kid that I'm afraid to lose.

He is going to do great things in his life, and I want to be a part of them.

I don't know where I would be without him.

He has taught me so much,

inspired me,

made me laugh,

made me love,

put me through so much drama,

and still stayed true to me through everything.

Never change, Joshua.

I love you, and you are the greatest person in my life.

Regret

Did I make the wrong choice?

Should I have stayed?

I miss them so much. . .

I think I made a bad decision... Remember how I said I switched soccer teams? I am currently on the Strikers, and I left the Ogden Outlaws? Well...I think that was a bad choice. I miss my girls SO much. I need my family back. We were so in sync with each other. Even through all of the drama and issues, we pulled through and fought for each other. I miss Mike, he was the best coach I had ever had. He taught me so much. Four years with a team makes you tight...and I think I'm regretting leaving.

Would he take me back? Would the girls WANT me back? I think he'd take me back on if I admitted he was right. He told me it would be a bad decision to switch...I could always stay on Strikers, and try out for Outlaws next season. But that's a year. And that would put me a year behind my girls. Funny..I still call them my girls, even though I'm not on the team. 

Strikers are great, don't get me wrong. They just aren't my skill level. The girls have gotten so much nicer, we talk, and we can at least laugh together now. But I still don't feel comfortable. I want to be the leader on a team. I can do that on both. I want to lead girls that are willing to work. If you aren't going to bring 110% to the game, don't step on the field. That's my new motto. I don't feel like Strikers do that. Same with Outlaws. But on Outlaws, we had heart and didn't give up at the last second.

What do I do now? Stay on Strikers, just content? Where things are different, but its a learning experience? Or move to Outlaws again, where it feels like home? I'm so lost right now...Send me a sign? A letter? A signal? Anything to help me decide what to do...I need to decide. Q.U.I.C.K

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly?

6 letters that affect every aspect of your life.

C H A N G E

Personally? Not a big fan of it. This year, it honestly killed me. Changing from 9th grade to 10th grade was huge. We were finally in high school, with all the big, bad, juniors and seniors. We changed friends. We changed classes. I don't think much stayed the same. Is it good? Yes. Don't get me wrong, its a fabulous thing to have a change of pace and a change of outlook. But I still find it terrible and scary. I went into the year with about 6 best friends. We were tighter than tight, closer than close. That all changed immediately. We all changed with our sports. Whether it was soccer, golf, cheer, dance...We all changed. People got busy. We met new friends. We wanted to stay close. Did it happen? Not for all of us. I switched "best friends" so many times over the year. The ones that have stayed through everything? Yeah, they are true to me. Out of my group of 7, we all still talk. We don't hang out that much. Unless its a huge party. Am I ok with that? Somewhat. I have other friends that I'm closer and more friendly with now. I miss the old times. If things hadn't of changed, it would have made this year a lot easier. 

The switch happened. I officially quit the Ogden Outlaws. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. I took Mike my bag with all my supplies...said goodbye to him. Then Britt came up to me. She was one of my best friends from that team. She started crying, I started crying. It was just a big cry fest. I love that girl, and she is going to go far in whatever she does! Changing teams has kind of sucked. I don't know the Strikers to well yet, so it's awkward.  They are a division lower. And a lot different from Outlaws...What have I gotten myself into?

There has been a change in my health. My hips and knees are getting worse again. I'm so sick of this. Just get better soon so I can run and play! 

Arnold Bennett said:

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

I agree completely. The change can seem good in the moment, and then come the difficulties. We have to learn to accept it, and just know its a way of life. Stuff happens, and you have to roll with the punches. I've learned that lately, and it's the piece of mind that is keeping me from going crazy. 

I Miss My Friends. . .

I know its summer..
I know we see each other all the time..
But I miss my friends.

Yeah, we hang out every once in awhile.
But where have I been?
At soccer. Or at home.
I just want one week of our old group of friends to be together.
Will I get that?
Probably not.

I miss how things were with people before school started.
I miss no drama.
I miss having my weekends being devoted to my friends.

What was my favorite thing?
Having the boys text me to hang out,
having plans made with the girls,
and not bailing on everyone.

They still text me, but not as much.
They know I'm at soccer.
I just want things to be how they used to be...

I miss my best friend Joshua...I don't talk to him as much, and I need to..
Quick.

I love my friends, and I love soccer.
Can't I have time for both?

Why now?

I've lost the will to blog.
I'll be back eventually.
Until then, have a good time.