It's A Gift

"Boy, why'd you let me go to bed last night,
with tears in my eyes, tears in my eyes?
Why'd you let me go to bed last night,
cryin' myself to sleep.
If it only happened just one time, maybe I'd think that you and I'd be just fine.
But you let me go to bed last night, with tears in my eyes, yeah.."

-Andrew Allen; Tears In My Eyes

Crying is ok. It's a release. In seminary a few months ago, we talked about the gift of weeping. Trust me...I don't like it. It makes me feel weak and helpless. Sometimes, it's ok to cry. Times are hard. As a teenager, we are put to the test. Which friends to choose, is this the right decision, should I like this boy? And so much more. We pray. We read our scriptures. We try to choose the right, but sometimes it feels so wrong. 

It breaks my heart to see others cry. I try to be the shoulder they need to cry on. 

...Where is my shoulder to cry on?

I don't know how many times in the past few weeks I have gone to bed with tears in my eyes. Over boys, friends, lost relationships, everything in between. I don't feel good enough. I have a low self esteem. And I feel alone. It doesn't mean I am. I do have a few friends {I.E. Emily and McCall} that I can count on for anything. 

I feel like I have given up. I've given up on trying, and I've given up on caring. I wanted a positive attitude, but I got a neutral one you could say. I feel so platonic now. Never happy, but never sad. I don't know what that means. 

Honestly, I'm done trying. Go with the flow..? We'll see if I can.

I don't mean to write continuously redundant and pathetic posts. I just need to vent, and even if it's to complete strangers, it's helping.